Meditation: (excerpts from The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure)
Human bodies are gentle and flexible when living but hard and stiff when dead. Living plants are tender and green when living by dry and brittle when dead. To be hard and unbending is to be dead. Without flexibility, there is no juice. What is the point of living then?
Eternal Consciousness is everywhere, in everything. Everything depends on it and it guides all things. Though it is the source of every atom of the universe, nothing can affect it. No one can own it. It lives in every blade of grass and every human being, without discrimination. A wise [parent] is like the Eternal One. She shines in her children’s eyes.
Let go. Trust in the Way which follows its own flow. Allow the Great to live in you and work through you… for [the] greater good. Return to the core: a relationship of love….
MESSAGE: I remember the morning distinctly. I was settling down with my class of four, five and six year olds to teach that Sunday’s session of “Around the Church, Around the Year.” This curriculum’s goal is to help children feel a part of their church community and to understand the faith and practices of Unitarian Universalism. It’s a fun curriculum. Kids get to meet the ministers and lay leaders, they tour the church building, they build their own churches, they build their own chalices, they celebrate the big holidays, they worship, and they learn about religious values like affirming the specialness of every person, helping others, treating each other respectfully, being fair, and sharing. It was my first experience teaching religious education. One thing I learned very quickly, and if you’ve ever taught religious education you’ll know exactly what I mean, is that there is the curriculum, and then there’s what actually happens on Sunday morning.
On this particular morning, we were going to play act a child dedication. Using a doll for a baby, the kids were to act out the parts of the minister, director of religious education, parents, and congregation. What could possibly go wrong? I asked who wanted to be the mom, and Beth enthusiastically raised her hand. So, I gave her the baby doll which she clutched to her chest, beaming. So far so good. Then I asked who wanted to be the dad. Every single boy took one look at the baby doll and another look at Beth, crossed his arms over his chest and glowered at me. I asked again, who wanted to be the dad. No one moved. Well, what was I going to do? Was I prepared to force one of those boys to be the Dad? As I thought about it, I decided no. That was not what I wanted to do. Many children did not have fathers present in their lives and there was no reason we could not dedicate a child without a father present. This would be a single mom having her baby dedicated. What a gentle way to introduce the many ways to be a family.
Then I asked if anyone wanted to be the minister. No one raised their hand. Who wanted to the director of religious education? No one raised their hand. Who wanted to be the congregation? One boy raised his hand. What a relief! I had a mother and I had a congregation!!!! But, I also had four kids with nothing to do, always a recipe for disaster. I needed to find roles for them….. Maybe that little baby needed siblings. So I asked, who wanted to be brothers and sisters of the baby. Miraculously, four kids raised their hands. So Beaming Beth was a single mom with a newborn baby and four children aged 4 to 6! The last kid agreed to be the pianist and I decided to be the minister. We were good to go. It was a sweet if brief service. Beth never stopped clutching the baby. The brothers and sisters, thank my lucky stars, stood still long enough for the brief five minute service. And the impromptu pianist did a fantastic job!
The experience of that child dedication has become a fond memory. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Beth’s face. Nor will I forget how those initially resistant kids made promises to befriend their pretend baby sister. Nor will I forget how the congregation of one promised to stand by that child, or how our little piano player turned into Liberace on his make-believe piano. I loved what that morning turned into! We had the opportunity to experience a child dedication AND to honor a non-traditional family. As Unitarian Universalists, we truly do believe in diversity and acceptance, and our kids had the opportunity to see how that really works.
But I wonder if another teacher would have made different choices. I wonder if another teacher would have been more insistent on following the lesson plan, perhaps seeing some importance in exercising his or her authority and having the children respect that authority. Perhaps another teacher would see my willingness to work with the children’s resistance as a weakness, as an example of bad boundaries that did the children no favors. Perhaps I failed to claim my authority and allowed those kids to walk all over me. Perhaps I rewarded them for being defiant.
DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDINGS
There are vast differences in the ways we believe that children are best raised. There are different understandings of the proper way to engage our children, especially when they resist us. James Dobson, spokesperson for the conservative Christian organization “Focus on the Family” and Vimala McClure, a writer and follower of Taoist teacher Lao Tzu, have both written prolifically about child rearing. Both are faith-based responses to raising children.
For Dobson, instilling respect and obedience through discipline is the crucial aspect of effective child rearing and the primary way that parents demonstrate their love for their children. The nature of children is defiance. In fact, the nature of humanity is defiance. Put in Conservative Christian theological terms, the human condition is that of sinfulness. That sinfulness manifests more strongly in children who have not yet learned to control themselves. Every act of defiance is a manifestation of human sin, and when parents confront their child’s defiance, they are confronting the sinfulness of humanity itself. For Dobson, the parent/child relationship is about overpowering sin, and every confrontation between parents and children is a win/lose situation with large stakes, and the parent must always win. Losing to the child means that humanity’s inner depravity has been allowed to win. Allow children to defy you, and you are setting them up to be ineffective, selfish adults who will disrespect authority throughout their lives.
Now why is obedience to authority so important to Dobson? He emphasizes obedience as the most important lesson for children to learn because obedience is itself the goal of responsible adulthood. Obedience to God and submission to the will of God is the only way to conquer that inner depravity. For Dobson, children learn submission to God by learning to submit to their parents. This is how a child becomes good, and becomes a valuable, productive and responsible adult.
This is why another teacher may have made a different choice in my place. If that teacher had Dobson’s understanding of human nature, not challenging the children’s resistance would have meant losing. That teacher would have failed to teach those children the important lesson of obedience, and set them up for a lifetime of suffering and disappointment. [Much of my understanding of James Dobson’s work comes from his book The New Dare to Discipline, Tyndale House Publishers, 1992. This is a revision from the original in 1970.]
Pretty heavy stuff, and judging by how many copies of his books the local library had on hand, and how many were checked out, Dobson’s work is being read by many parents. Many of our neighbors and friends are applying his teachings to the way they raise their children.
Now, contrast this with the writing of Taoist Vimala McClure:"
It is easy to think you control your child and his destiny; that you can mold him into your ideal; that his imperfections are yours to correct….. When you are about to use your power in your relationship with your child, think again. Is there another way to accomplish your goal? Retreat and be still. Contemplate your choices. When you choose to use your power, use it justly, with great calm, and do not waiver.” [Vimala McClure, The Tao of Motherhood (New World Library, 1997) pp. 39-40.]
A key component of Daoism espouses moving with resistance rather than confronting and controlling it. Think of a stone in a river. Does the river try to gather the stone up in its current and carry it where it wishes? No. The river flows around the stone and in flowing around the stone its current gently and slowly gives the stone shape. In fact, both the river and the stone are changed - the river by parting for the rock, the rock by standing in the flow of the river.
… “Your children will challenge you and your power. Do not use force or intimidation to manage them. Remember, wars bring suffering to all. The winners and losers both have bitter harvests. When your child engages you in conflict, bring it full circle without physical, mental, or emotional violence. Withdraw, be still. Try to understand what the child needs, whether it be a firm boundary or a listening heart. Then calmly exert your authority with love, end the conflict and restore harmony."[pp. 77-78.]
This is a very different way of approaching childhood. It’s a different way of approaching humanity. Rather than struggling through a conflict with the goal of winning, this is about moving with conflict with the goal of harmony for all. This is not about struggling with the inner nature of a depraved humanity. This is about working with what is already within human nature to find its natural balance. Human nature is as the nature of all things. In Daoism, there is no need for struggle. To struggle means that one is likely resisting what Daoists call “The Way.” Struggle is often a sign of pridefulness, that you are going against nature, against your own inner nature, and against the Way.
McClure refers to the Way with these words: “It is only when you are in its flow that it becomes known to you.” Her advice to those in times of anger or indecision is to stop. Withdraw. Become quiet. Be still. In that stillness, the Way will come to you and you will be immersed in it. You will be immersed in the nature of all things. Parenting is about being in and with the Way so you can enter the Way with your children. The goal is not authority through control, but rather authority through calm direction, reasoned compassion, and openness to restoration and harmony. In Daoism, nothing should be forced. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have goals, but one must have a sense of detachment from how the goal unfolds, for in those unexpected twists and turns, you will find the Way.
LOTS OF ADVICE
Dobson and McClure are but two of many who are out there providing a wealth of advice on childrearing. Go to any bookstore and you’ll be amazed at how much advice is out there. But one thing connects them all, no matter how different their actual approaches are. The way we raise our children is deeply embedded in how we understand the nature of humanity itself. And this is why there are powerful stakes involved in how we prepare them for life as adults.
Now I’m not a parent, so I have rarely been challenged by a defiant child. I have never struggled with a child that refuses to listen, go to bed, turn off the TV, or go to school. I haven’t struggled with an adolescent who is being tempted in all the ways that adolescents are tempted. I have not been in those shoes. But, I have sat with many of you as you share about your experience as parents. You have shared difficult decisions about discipline. You’ve shared stories about pregnancy, miscarriage, labor, toilet training, day care, and the first day of school. You have shared your concern when your children have difficulties with friends, or when they’re sick. You’ve shared your pride at their accomplishments. You have struggled with letting go of a child leaving for college. You remain concerned about adult children who struggle with their adult lives. You’ve spoken of how your lives transformed when you became parents, how your priorities changed, how you looked at the world and at yourselves differently. You have spoken of your need for time alone, time with your partner, and how you find just that extra energy to go the last mile for your family. I’ve also listened to how you set boundaries with your children, and how you have allowed them to face the consequences of their choices.
And I tell you, what a blessing it is to watch you raise your children. Because I see our faith at work. It’s not always perfect. It doesn’t always turn out as planned, but in you, in the ways you raise your children, I see how we, as people of faith, are embodying our highest values. Raising children, even in its messiest moments, is a sacred act of manifesting a divine relationship. Raising children is about being immersed in the Way.
Unitarian Universalism, throughout its 450-year history, has always held a deep belief in the inherent goodness of humanity. Sometimes we’ve been overly naïve in that belief, and had it deeply challenged by evidence of the human capacity for evil. And yet, deep down, we believe, that given half a chance, human beings will strive to do what is right. And this means that we have a deep trust of human beings and their choices.
This has profoundly impacted how we raise our children, and how we do religious education. We believe that every child has a deep inner goodness and a deep inner knowing. Our role as parents, teachers, and adult mentors is to nurture what children already have inside. They have the core of everything they need. Our work is to help bring that into flower. So the way we raise our children is not about fighting a battle of good versus evil. Those aren’t the stakes we’re working with. Our goal is to raise children who have a deep inner sense of how special they are, a deep inner sense of self-trust and a deep valuing of others.
This is no different than what we want for our adults. I want each one of you to have that deep inner sense of how special you are, and a deep inner sense of self-trust. And I want you to nurture that deep valuing of others, so that you too can tap into your inner knowing and your inner goodness, and manifest that in all that you do in this world.
Sometimes we are the rivers and the children are the stones, and as we part for them, they are changed by the flowing of our currents. Sometimes we are the stones, and our children the rivers, and as we meet the force of their unfolding lives, we also are changed. But whatever happens, wherever that river flows, and regardless of how many times we need to retreat, be still, listen for that deep inner knowing, trust, be patient, for the Way will come. It always does.
Posted: 6/5/06