I would like to be able to say that when I found Unitarian Universalism, I never looked back, but it’s not true. It is true that the first service I attended captivated me. I walked into the First Unitarian Congregation of Toronto in April 1997 not knowing what to expect. At that time I was in the first year of my doctoral program and wasn’t satisfied with my life. I was really unhappy in grad school and didn’t want to look at what that might mean. I had a roommate who really needed a live in mother and psychologist, not a roommate. And I was in a relationship that wasn’t touching my deeper needs. In my frustration, I remembered what it was like to go to church as a child. The community I felt. The predictability. The friends. The loving adults. The sense of order and stability and security. My life at that time didn’t feel very stable or secure. I felt like there was no meaning or purpose in what I was doing. And so, remembering what I’d had as a child, I decided to try going to church. Halfway through the sermon I began to cry. I didn’t know why I was crying. I can hardly even remember what the sermon was about – but somehow something in that service touched me deeply, and I knew that I would return.
For the next six weeks, I went to Toronto First every Sunday morning. I sat in the back row and held on for dear life to my Kleenex, because it came out every Sunday. Clearly, I was in a tender place, and I don’t think I am alone in this among many who seek out our congregations. We choose to visit a church for all kinds of reasons, and we often do so during times of difficult or challenging transitions – death, marriage, moving, having children, relationship difficulties, dissatisfaction with our lives, and more. Because many of us seek out religious community during such transitions, we often come vulnerable, we come looking for something to hold on to. This is what brought me into Unitarian Universalism.
Now it would be nice if I could say that finding Toronto First was the beginning of a happily ever after. But it was not. For quite a while, I attended services, and they were great, but they started not being enough. The services were really good, that wasn’t the issue. But something was missing. It’s like I encountered all kinds of ideas and deep feelings and desires, but there was no place to do anything with what I was feeling or experiencing. I thought that maybe things would change if I joined, so I joined, and that was great. But again, pretty soon I started feeling a lack of something. I took some courses, but they generally ended in about six weeks. There was a discussion group after the service to talk about the sermon, but it was too intellectual for me. I got intellectual in grad school, I didn’t want that on Sunday morning. I joined the Young Adult Group, and we had great parties, and I made some friends, but where could I go to talk about what I was feeling and thinking, the big questions, the big issues? Where could I go to have those deeper connections and conversations?
I started waking up on Sunday mornings feeling reluctant. I started skipping worship. I even considered dropping my membership. And then, something really significant happened. I was asked to be on a committee, and not just any committee, but THE committee of committees, the board of trustees. I was quite taken aback, maybe a bit flattered, but I thought about it, and I said no, and I felt guilty. Then I was approached to teach religious education. Feeling guilty about saying no to the board, I said yes to teaching. And to be honest, it was a fairly good experience. Mind you, my co-teacher, another very new member, quit in the second week, leaving me teaching the whole course, but somewhere in the chaos of that Sunday school room, good things happened with those kids. But again, none of this hit those deeper places that needed to be touched, the reasons I came to church in the first place. As Unitarian Universalist minister Glenn Turner writes, “"People come to our congregations seeking intimacy and spiritual growth. And we give them committee meetings and Sunday-morning worship."
How true this is. So often we consider integration of our new members about finding the right committee for them to join. Not that committee meetings can’t be meaningful and purposeful. Like so many things around here, they are part and parcel of the lifeblood of this congregation. Sometimes I am amazed at what we accomplish in our committee meetings and how good I feel when I go home. But, they are not the best vehicle for addressing those deeper needs that many of us bring to our churches.
One of the things we did at Toronto First was to have testimonies. Every Sunday a member of the congregation would share why they sought out the church, what brought them to the decision to join, and why they stayed. One one memorable Sunday, Murray Erlich was to share. Now let me tell you a bit about Murray. Some people come into a congregation slowly. They’re very quiet about coming, they don’t join a lot of things, they really take their time. Murray was not one of those. He was a joiner. When he came to Toronto First it was not long before he began to take on leadership roles, and very quickly became marked as someone who could be counted on. He had a lot of respect, and when Murray spoke, people listened. He built up a lot of trust. So I was looking forward to what Murray had to say, and what he said, stunned many of us. He stood before us and said he was tired. He was burned out. He came to the church for spiritual nurture for himself and for his family, and instead he got meetings. Many meetings. And he was becoming disillusioned. As Murray spoke, I looked around the congregation. You could have heard a pin drop. Many, especially those in leadership positions, were nodding their heads. Murray had identified the elephant in the room. After the service, he was surrounded by people excited about what he had said. Wanting to know more. Indeed, his testimony was a watershed moment for the church. Because of his courage to speak his truth, a truth that was also many of ours, we looked at ourselves in a new way.
Murray was looking for some of the same things that brings many of us to church. We’re looking for that feeling of belonging, of being connected, that feeling that we are valued and important. We’re looking for a sense of meaning and purpose, and a sense of hope. And that doesn’t change no matter how long you have been a member or friend of this church.
Did you know that Unitarian Universalist churches have the highest rate of visitors among the main denominations in this country? But, we also have one of the lowest member retention rates. A right wing evangelist, I can’t remember who exactly, once said he’d be threatened by how many visitors we get, except that we are so unlikely to hold onto them. Now why is this? Well, one of the reasons that people don’t come back, or drop away, or burn out, is because they are not finding the spiritual depth, or the deeper connection that they were looking for. They come for depth and intimacy, and we offer committees.
Do you know which churches have the highest rates of retention? It’s actually those mega churches whose fundamentalist values and conservative agendas leave us as Unitarian Universalists so terribly uncomfortable. Somehow they have been able to respond effectively to the spiritual hunger to belong, to be valued, to find meaning and purpose and hope, in a way that often eludes us. While their church memberships grow into the thousands, few of our churches break 150.
And what is their secret? How do they maintain the intimacy and spiritual growth as they become so large? Is it their fundamentalist message? Is it their conservative agenda? To some degree, yes, it is. There are some people who need that kind of religion. But there is something else, and it has less to do with what they believe and more to do with how they do church. Their answer is called small group ministry.
COVENANT GROUPS
The principle of small group ministry is simple – small groups of people who meet regularly to talk about the important things in their lives, and to listen to others do the same. Places to speak truth, and places to listen to the truth of others. And those groups are where people are finding a sense of belonging, a sense of intimacy, meaning, purpose, and hope. It is where they experience that deep feeling of being valued and respected for who they are.
In the last several years, Unitarian Universalists have discovered the power of small group ministry and to use it in a way that reflects our values, our theologies, our ways of searching for truth and meaning. In the mega church model, their small groups are focused on scripture as authority. Our religion doesn’t work like that. Our spiritual authority comes from within each of us and from the wisdom and experience that we build by simply living our lives. When we do small group ministry we focus on our life’s experience, because this is where the sacred is revealed.
This is how Covenant Groups work. You meet as a group, from a minimum of 6 to an absolute maximum of 12, once to twice a month. The more frequently you meet, and the more committed you are to regular attendance, the richer the experience. You begin with opening words and a chalice lighting to create that sacred space, just like we do on Sunday mornings. This is followed by a brief check in where everyone gets to say a bit about what’s going on for them. Then you move into the main part of your time together. Sometimes the group focuses on a spiritual theme, like acceptance, wholeness, forgiveness, happiness, disappointment, commitment. The possibilities are endless, especially in a religion like ours that has such expansive understandings of what it means to be spiritual or religious. There will be a reading focusing on the theme with a few simple questions to get the conversation started. Each person gets their turn. There are no interruptions. We speak from our own experience rather than giving advice or trying to fix other’s problems. The key is to share from our own hearts, and to listen deeply to others sharing. At the end of the sharing, there is a time of silence, and then a brief check out, where you get to say what you liked, and what you might wish for future gatherings. You conclude with a closing reading. That’s it.
There are a few ground rules:
After Murray’s testimony, he withdrew from all his committee work and decided to bring Covenant Groups to Toronto First. With the strong support of the ministerial leadership, Covenant Groups became a growing part of congregational life. Many of us finally found what had been missing. Covenant Groups dramatically changed how I experienced both the church itself and Unitarian Universalism. We had those safe intimate places to explore those deeper questions, to be in community that went deeper than coffee hour, committee meetings and social groups. It refueled long term members committed to their congregation but burned out by committee work. It responded to the hungers of those who sought out our congregations in times of need. I finally had a place to speak about what was going on inside me. And I was amazed at the wisdom and experience of those I met with. Once I felt that deeper sacred connection, I was ready to serve. I accepted a position on the board, and the year after agreed to be its president. About that time I also decided to go into the ministry. So really, I credit Covenant Groups with a large part of what brought me to you. I was being fed, and so I had much more to give back.
Covenant groups have continued to be part of my spiritual practice. When a group of ministers here in St. Louis decided we needed this for ourselves, I jumped at the chance. I now meet once a month with my own covenant group and it is one of the ways that I sustain and refuel myself for the demanding work of ministry. It also means I have some deepening friendships in a city where I only arrived six months ago. So I am less lonely here. That group is responding to my hunger for connection, for a sense of value, for meaning and purpose, and hope.
I don’t think I’m the only one with those needs. Having spent time with many of you who have been here a long time, as well as those who’ve just recently discovered us, the need is here as well. So we’re going to try Covenant Groups here at Emerson. We’re going to see how this might work for us, and this is how we’re going to do it.
I am holding two covenant group nights this month – Thursday March 16th and Thursday March 30th. In the first session I’ll discuss the philosophy behind covenant groups and how you do them. In the second session, we’ll actually go through the process, much like the one I just described. You’re all welcome to both of these sessions. Starting this Sunday, there will be signup sheets in the Hearth Room on the Bulletin Board and at the Guest’s Table in the Vestibule where you can sign up for a Covenant Group. The Covenant Groups will run for an initial two months – April and May. And in June, we’ll re-evaluate, and prepare for the fall.
Whether you are a long-standing member of this church, a committed leader, or relatively new and searching, I hope that you will join us. We come here with many needs, with many hopes and desires. We come here with lives rich in experience and wisdom. We have so much that we can be for each other.
So let us begin.
Posted: 3/10/06